People pleasing

I thought I would write a blog and me and my people pleasing ways. I have spent most of my life as a people pleaser, and it has caused me a lot of anxiety and unhappiness. I am just learning, through self-awareness and reflection, how to be less of a people pleaser. This is how people pleasing shows up for me. Maybe you recognise some of these behaviours or responses in yourself.

Apologising

Man, do I love apologising. I was definitely worse in the past. I basically punctuated my speech with “sorry.” I still haven’t managed to crack the habit, but might say, “Sorry to hear that,” instead (progress, not perfection!). This gets a gentler response from people. People are always surprised when I’m apologising for things and point out, “Why are you saying sorry?”. I remember once a friend was trying to sort out his sons pushchair and he couldn’t figure it out, maybe something was jammed or it wouldn’t open or closed. I wasn’t helping but just in the room, and he made a comment about it, and I replied “sorry”. He was like, “What?”, but I felt bad for not being able to help or not having the answer. People pleasing just makes you feel responsible for everyone around you.

The last word

As I started to reflect on my own people pleasing, this was a behaviour I noticed in myself, but it was never pointed out to me. If you text or WhatsApp me, I had to be the last one to message. Leaving someone on read, even when the conversation had naturally closed, just made me feel yuck inside. Even if it was just a smiley emoji, I had to be the last one to message. Ironically, I have a terrible text tone, apparently, so I probably should have been more aware of that! 😬

Compensating

I feel like I have to over compensate in so many ways. If I felt like I’ve done something wrong, I’d give a gift to make up for it. Or if I received a gift, I would be sure I reciprocated with the same or higher value. Christmas has become a minefield recently as I have become more aware of that desire to buy more because what I’ve got is not good enough. It’s not enough. I’m not able to attend a friends baby shower as I’m at a music festival, and that was already planned before the shower, so I thought of sending her flowers on the day. I’ve apologised to her face, we gave organised another date to do something small, and I’ve already got a gift, however, that bad, guilty feeling inside of me needs relieving. This does not always relate to gifts and material things, but also activities or going out of your way to be there and going above and beyond. Need a lift? I’ll be there. Need support? I’ll support you. I can be everything to anyone and everyone.

Indecision

This one, I hate. I personally don’t know if I can work on this one because I genuinely feel sometimes quite laid back about things, but sometimes it is to appease people. This has been brought up to me over and over again in my present relationship and in past relationships that I just don’t choose things! What take away we will have, what we will watch on TV, etc. I think I am quite good, I do plan a lot of stuff, and I do take charge in a lot of ways. But maybe on a people pleasing scale, there’s still room to improve. My journey is ongoing…

Dismissive

This is a big one and one of my most toxic traits that impact unhealthy communication in relationships. “I didn’t mean it.” If a partner or friend shares an issue with me or is upset with me, then I’m dismissive. I focus on the fact that I never intended that to happen and try furiously to get them to understand how I’m completely innocent. This stops me from hearing my partner. It stops me from taking accountability and stops us having healthy communication or a healthy relationship. I’ve had to work on this because it really was a knee-jerk reaction, and feeling someone is angry or upset with me is horrific for me. I’ve also noticed that I am overly sensitive to the experience of someone giving me corrective or negative feedback. My experience is that they are so angry at me, which is not always the case.

These traits are not healthy because they are driven by the need to squash that guilty feeling and the story of “I’m not good enough.” It also impacts the people around you and your relationships. I’m definitely working on getting the balance right because you do have to compromise and put aside your own needs for the people around you (if they mean something to you). It’s tricky to learn.

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Many of these behaviours and traits relate to my childhood. Understanding your own childhood can help you understand these behaviours, process them, and move forward. You should consider doing this with support, if possible.

What do you think your people pleasing behaviours are? Or did some of these resonate with you, and you’re discovering you may be a people pleaser? Share your thoughts below, or share via the Instagram page.

Why we need toxic love.

Right – so stay with me…

Imagine a world without toxic love. What would our creative landscape look like without toxic love? I dunno if Lewis Capaldi, Whitney Houston, and Adele (to name a few) would be as successful as they have been if they wrote songs about relationships filled with good communication, healthy boundaries that are consistent and long-lasting, or ended amicably. What would our soaps, dramas, and rom-coms be like? My grandad watches some old films, which make me uncomfortable. Men physically over power women, who struggle away from them, saying “no” to their advances and then succumb to their power and then kiss them. 😬🤢 Nowadays, heated arguments and passionate sex are common features of romantic storylines. Will they? Won’t they? They shouldn’t – walk away!

The song ‘Pscyho’ by Ann-Marie springs to mind, too. How would this song have been so popular if it was not so goddamn relatable to women! We know exactly what she’s singing about because we have either acted out on our anxiety and insecurities and accused guys/partners of not being fully commited, which has either driven them too, or they actually were cheating. And despite the fact that we didn’t set clear, consistent boundaries and continued to date that guy, we are not the problem. I know I’ve been there, and I’m here to tell you – we are as much to blame as our counterparts. Let’s take some accountability! (Excuse the overgeneralisation to women, it’s just in line with the song that I’ve used these gender roles).

There are lyrics from a Coldplay lyrics, “No one ever said it would be easy.” I have thought about this so much over the years, and it validated the difficulties I was having in my own romantic relationships. Relationships are hard, so all this conflict and yucky feelings, insecurities, and uncertainty are part and parcel. WRONG! Yes, relationships are hard. They still are hard for me. It’s hard to be vulnerable, I’m still learning to communicate effectively and manage my intrusive thoughts that stem from the “I’m not good enough” story. Because if I’m not good enough, why would anyone be happy to date me and not have a wandering eye? 🤨 But I want a healthy relationship in which my and my partners’ needs are met, so I keep showing up and doing the hard work. I don’t react to intrusive thoughts and emotions. I try to get uncomfortable and vulnerable. I work on communicating calmly and effectively. There will be conflict, but the resolution should be easy if these things are in place. Previously, in my toxic relationships, we had to completely fall apart to be able to come back together . No, thank you. I’m not here for it anymore.

Right, so let’s change the tone and seriously consider what the next generations would look like if all children have good, healthy role models that behave in a non-toxic manner. Parents who have conflict and resolve it with healthy communication and empathy. What kind of adults would they grow up to be? What would our community feel like in the future? How would your own children (real or hypothetical) benefit if you start doing the work today? (Just to confirm, that doesn’t necessarily mean parents that stay together).

So, what can we do to progress towards healthier relationships? Reflect and grow as individuals. Learn about your attachment styles (see my blog about attachment styles). Learn about your values and become self-aware. Having enough self-awareness to stop yourself and reflect, “I might be lashing out about this, completely irrelevant or insignificant thing because I have not communicated my needs, or I’m having an abandonment crisis and I really just need reassurance”. Learn to communicate your needs effectively (calmly, clearly, directly – don’t expect your partner to know, “well, you should know”, “I shouldn’t have to tell you everytime” – um, yeah you do), and set healthy boundaries. Learn to identify green and red flags (check out my advice on the biggest dating red flag).

If you want to start learning more about your own attachments, I recommend reading ‘Attached’ by Amir Levine, M.D., and Rachel S. F. Hellar, MA. I love this book!

Also, you might want to listen to of Mark Manson’s podcasts. He had a lot of great episode with no non-sense advice and insight for relationships. Check him out on Spotify. He also has a course about Healthy Relationship.

Alternatively/additionally, check out this video about relationship advice from Mark Manson (feat. His wife)

Also, remember that these things take time. You will not change over night, it takes commitment and reflection to grow and change. If you are in a relationship, hopefully you have a partner who is doing the work on themselves too.

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Dating Red flag

I wanted to write a blog about my biggest dating red flag. This one comes up pretty quickly.

This is not necessarily something I have read in a book specifically, but something I’ve learned from personal experience. It’s been a lot of trial and error, and I could’ve saved myself I lot of upset had I paid attention to this! Although I am guilty of doing this in the past, too!! 😬

This red flag 🚩 is how they talk about their exes and past relationships. If they do not speak in a respectful, positive, or fair way about their previous partners, then this is your first indication that things might go south!

This may indicate that this person may not take accountability and/or do not listen or communicate effectively in their relationships. It means that if you have any concerns with them, they might deflect or be dismissive. If you let this continue, you may become frustrated, and you may behave unfavourable as you struggle to get your needs met. This will only escalate the cycle of poor communication and toxic behaviours.

Each person has a role to play to make a relationship healthy and work successfully. Sometimes you are not right for each other and you should be able to part amicably.

My role is that I have poor boundaries and poor communication. This means it’s difficult to get my needs met. I can be anxious, but I can also be avoidant in relationships. If I do not communicate well, this can make room for a lot of confusion. When my needs are not getting met, this may cause an argument, which may stem from a back handed comment from me or a partner. I find my partners are often very inconsistent, and this causes me a lot of anxiety, and I’m not good at asking for reassurance. If I do, this might be rejected. I would also go back to the relationship after being hurt, which would not set any appropriate boundaries with my partner.

Picture credit from @ thesecurerelationship

Before I understood this about myself, I would’ve only said how horrible my exes were to me! I didn’t understand what I was doing wrong. Without this reflection and understanding, I could not work on myself to ensure I am able to stop this cycle.

It definitely took a while to understand myself. Outside of dating/romantic relationships, I was able to work on some of my responses in relationships with friends. This means getting better at communicating and setting boundaries. This definitely helped build my confidence in doing this with friends. Remember if people do not respond well to you communicating or setting boundaries (if you have done it in a healthy way), then it may be time to reflect if the relationship with this friend/partner is going to be positive for you. If they continue to respond poorly, then they may not be good for you or benefitting you.

Picture credit: @ meowmastehere

When learning better how to communicate or set boundaries, I had to think what drove responses as they occurred. When I had a strong emotion or reaction, I had to reflect on what was driving this? Why did this emotion come up? Is there a reaction or behaviour that comes with it? If I’m hurt, it may be that a boundary has been crossed, and how effectively did I communicate?

Why is this trigger an issue? What does it relate to? Is there something that needs to be processed? How can I take accountability or responsibility for this to move forward? What could I do differently next time?

Picture credit from @ thesecurerelationship

If you are currently dating, have you noticed this pattern? Do you think this is something you will look at for moving forward? If you are in a relationship, do you feel you need to work on communication or boundary setting? Let me know your thoughts,

Attachment styles

One of the first self-help books I read was ‘Attached’ by Amir Levine, M.D., and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A. Beginning to understand my own attachment really helped me to stop and reflect when I got into toxic cycles in relationships. I feel I should say that my counsellor was constantly reminding me not to get to fixated on attachment style’s when I kept referencing back to them. Although I think it really helped me to progress and now I am better at recognising these behaviours and responses. This process has taken me 5 years (approximately) since reading this book, and having read many other books since then, so it takes time and practice to break these cycles sometimes. Just keep going, learning, and being kind to yourself!

Attached by Amir Levine, M.D., and Rachel S.F. Hller, M.A.

So, what are the attachment styles? There are three main styles: anxious, avoidant, and secure. There is another category of anxious-avoidant (also referred to as disorganised) in which both styles can show up. I am lucky to fall into the last style, which I feel makes dating and relationships harder to navigate. I will discuss the styles in turn

• Anxious – This style is when the person is very worried about the relationship, and due to this, they seek a lot of reassurance. This can be overwhelming for them and their partner.
• Avoidant – This style can be when someone is worried about the relationship, but due to this, they pull away. They can shy away from commitment or become emotionally unavailable because they fear being hurt or causing hurt.
• Secure – This style is reassured and confident within their relationships. They do not worry excessively about the relationship and have good boundaries. This is the healthiest style for relationships.

Research investigated infants’ responses to their mothers leaving them in an unfamiliar place, with a stranger or alone. By analysing their responses, they began to categorise these styles. This research was famously conducted by Mary Ainsworth in the 1970s. Anxious babies showed distress immediately and struggled to explore. They were upset when their mothers left and were difficult for the mother to soothe, would not calm on her return or become clingy, not wanting to play. Avoidant babies did not explore or interact very much with their mother initially. When the mother left and then returned, the child would act as if nothing had happened and would not acknowledge their mother when they returned. Secure babies would check in with their mother, may become upset when they leave, were happy to see them when they returned, and then continued to play.

From my experience, understanding my attachment style helped me begin to understand my responses in relationships. In the beginning, it would be a reflection after the fact, as its difficult to break these habits overnight and they are driven by emotions. I have gradually over the years got better and better at catching the thoughts beforehand and trying to reflect on what I want from the interaction and if my initial response is the best way to obtain that. Like they say, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different response. I think Additionally, changing what I looked for in a partner has helped. I discussed this recently in my post about dating lists.

For me, I had issues with guys who seemed overly keen on me. This really made me pull away from them. I struggle when I feel like people need more from me than I feel I am able to provide. It also feels misplaced; I am not good enough or worthy enough to have this attention. This does also happens to me in non-romantic relationships, sometimes. I still can be overwhelmed by some interactions when I feel there’s an expectation from the other person for me to give more. But there isn’t really any evidence to support this – It’s often a story my mind makes up. I now try not to become angry, give that person the cold shoulder, or silent treatment for something I did not like. Now I’m getting better at communicating it. These were my avoidant responses.

For anxiety responses, if I’d like someone, then I really like them. I would think about them all day. It was quite overwhelming. If i had the thought that I was going to be cheated on  abandoned or hurt, I immediately spiralled and became fixated on it. If they messaged me, I’d reply within 30 minutes max (probably). I’d even check my phone at regular intervals at work, while socialising, or when I was at home. I’d just keep checking to see if a message came through. When things went wrong, I’d have responses like “you don’t even like me”, and seek reassurance in an unhealthy way, or cause some arguments to get to make up part to feel reassured. This also would happen because I would be too anxious to communicate what I wanted. I’ve had situations where guys I’m dating for a while, still not having me on their Facebook. While it seems silly, it would have made me feel more secure, but I was too scared to ask. It festered in me, making me more and more insecure, and eventually, I would lash out about something else.

None of these things make me sound like a desirable partner. Obvoously, these things were happening subconsciously; I didnt plan it. I just reacted. I definitely take accountability for my part in the toxic cycles in many of my past relationships. The toxic cycle definitely goes around if one partner pulls away (avoidant), which triggers an anxious partner to need more reassurance or be clingy, and then the avoidant partner pulls away more. Inconsistency in relationships, like in your partners behaviour, makes way for toxic cycles.

Now I feel more secure. If I have an intrusive negative thought about my relationship, I can just let it pass and move on. I am also working on setting boundaries, which keeps my anxious responses in check. I’m much better at being present when I’m at work, with friends, or even chilling at home by myself. I’m still working on communication, but I do not lash out and cause horrible fall outs. I just need to build more confidence in saying what I want and need.

Taken from The Secure Relationship

If you feel you are constantly struggling with relationships, falling for the same kind of person, repeating the same toxic cycles and if you think you are in no way to blame, then I’m afraid this is your first hurdle. You have to begin to take some accountability, and understanding your attachment style could give you some clues. Also, side note, since learning this, when I was dating, the first red flag on date number one and is a big no from me is how they talk about their ex. If they slag them off, this is a person who may not take accountability in relationships, and I do not want to be with someone like that. The phrase “you have to love yourself before you can be loved” is getting a lot of criticism lately. I do agree that you are always worthy of love, but there may be some work to do if you want a healthier, more secure relationship. Accountability can be the first step, and treat yourself with compassion as you go on this journey.

If you want to know more, I’d definitely recommend this book. Also, I highly, highly recommend The Secure Relationship on Instagram, which has fantastic infographics that explain these styles and gives examples of responses to help you understand better. (Note that there are some dodgy imitation pages of this Instagram page, so be sure to check for any spelling mistakes in the handle and follow the O.G.)

Let me know your thoughts on your attachment style and how they have impacted your relationships? Or maybe this is a new idea to you, and you are going to go away and learn more. Good luck on your dating journey, and if that includes developing more self-love, then remember you deserve to be loved ❤️

References

Levine, A., Heller, R. S. F. (2010) Attachment: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find – and keep – love. New York, New York, Penguin Group.

Dating lists

I’m just watching the new Married at First Sight Austalia (March 2023) and I wanted to share some thoughts on dating lists.

Firstly I want to say – yes I love reality dating shows! As I’ve worked on myself, I have found it useful tool for identifying red flags. Unfortunately, some of these shows are becoming more and more difficult to watch, due to the toxic behaviours from some of the people on the show. Initially I just loved the drama, but now I see it through a very different lense.

So back to the matter at hand. Lists! The guy I’m referring to, has a long ‘ick list’, so a many number of things are straight nos from him. Leaving him a very small pond, or puddle, to fish in.

When I started dating, after my long term toxic relationship broke down, I initially went for a guy who was just the opposite of my ex. Then after this short relationship ended, I started to date with a list. Good job/well earning, nice car, good looking, tall. I then continued to fall into the same patterns of behaviours and having no success in my relationships.

Over the years, my list has definitely changed. My list would now be honest, independence, emotionally intelligent and communicative. I am currently in a relationship, and I think he ticks these boxes quite well.

Paul Carrick Brunson discusses this in his book ‘It’s Complicated’ and says “A man or woman obsessed with a checklist does him- or herself in by excluding their true personality and needs… ditch the checklist and find out what really matters to you” (page 67)

Lists of values are more effective for more satisfied dating and relationships.

• Career
• Health
• Family
• Friends
• Community
• Dating / relationships
• Hobbies / recreation
• Personal development
• Spirituality / religion

If career is important to you, you may want someone who shares this value in being ambitious. People can become frustrated if they are ambitious and career driven, to have a partner who is very laid back in this area. For some people, this can be complimentary in a relationships and bring balance. You may want someone who has strong spiritual or religious grounding. They may not share your religion, but having strong faith may be important to you. Or maybe you need a partner who is very active and priorities their health. And so on…

Reflecting on your own values and the values and qualities that are important in a relationship for you, may help end some of the superficial dating and toxic cycles if you fall victim to those. Also, this is a good question to ask on a first date. This will help you figure out if your partner is thinking about relationships in a superficial way, or is focused on finding someone with mutual values.

I wonder how things will work out for this guy with the ick list…. or if there will be lots of red flags being waved as the show progresses… 🚩🚩

What are your values? Or what are your initial indications of a red flags when dating? This would be one of mine.

References

Carrick Brunson, P. (2012). It’s complicated (but it doesn’t have to be). Penguin Group Inc, New York