Tag Archives: CBT

Cognitive Distortions

In Cogntive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), the focus is on your thoughts and how this impacts behaviour. Our brains job is to process information, and in modern society, we are constantly processing information from the environment, especially due to our increased connectivity. Problems can arise when thoughts become overwhelming, and in CBT, these are categorised into 13 cognitive distortions.

Image from Simply Psychology.

Overgeneralisation

This is when you may over generalise experiences from the past or present. This means you’ll worry that things will be repeated because it’s happened before. In relationships, you may become insecure because you think you will be abandoned or cheated on because you experienced this before. This can be damaging to present or future relationships. This might also relate to not being chosen for a role after an interview and thinking you’d never succeed in an interview, or not passing a test and thinking you’ll fail every test in the future. This thought will be very limiting.

Mental Filters

Trigger warning in this paragraph. Reference to suicidal thoughts. Please see charities at the bottom of this post if you need support with this topic.

This is similar to tunnel vision, in which the thoughts get over focused on one negative aspect. This might mean that because one thing goes wrong in your day, you decide the whole day is shit and you then feel miserable, like getting caught in bad traffic ruins the day completely. This could be problematic if you are dating, and you fixate on one difference or disagreement that occurs, for instance, their interests. Imagine they like a music genre you hate, but everything else was perfect, and you got on well. Unfortunately, because of this you decide not to have another date. This could also relate to how you view your life. When I had a low point recently, I had thoughts that life wasn’t worth living because only bad things keep happening. I’m glad I was able to refocus in more positives and get through that dark phase.

Discounting the positives

This is similar to mental filters. However, when positives happen, you find excuses or reasons to discredit it. This may be recognition praise, acknowledgement, or an achievement, and you think you’re undeserving, it was a coincidence, or you were just lucky. When this happened to me in the past, I got recognition for clients doing well when I had worked with them, but I would dismiss and say the team and the client did the work. I simply made the plan for them to follow. Also, if my boss ever gave me praise, I thought, “She’s only saying that because she knows you have depression and she’s trying to make you feel better.”

Jumping to conclusions

This can overlap with other distortions. Assuming something will happen in the future, someone is thinking something, or that they will act in a certain way. This can be problematic because you may be making yourself anxious about something that may or may not happen. This might impact your ability to cope with daily life, or your relationships.

Mind reading

This involves making assumptions about what someone else is thinking. This may be part of your gut instincts, but also, the mind may be biased towards protecting you from negative interactions. I am often surprised when I actually find out my mind reading was incorrect. Communicate in a healthy way if you need reassurance, and try to be present and not get intangled in negative, unhelpful thoughts. This can be damaging for relationships, as you might pull away and isolate yourself, or the person becomes annoyed with your constant assumptions or overreactions.

Predictive thinking

This is when you predict the future. I have in the past practised scripts with people so I could prepare what I would say. But you can not predict what someone will say. It actually made communicating less effective for me and made me increasingly more anxious, ruining the days or hours leading up to seeing the person. I work on staying present before and during the activity or conversation, and actively listen when I’m with people instead.

Magnification

This is similar to mental filters and discounting the positives, but you minimise positives in yourself whilst exaggerating these qualities in others. In reverse, negatives are emphasised when comparing yourself to others. This might happen with social media, where you see the best parts of someone’s life. You think they have everything, and you are a failure (related blog post). This can negatively impact your self-esteem.

Emotional reasoning

This means opinions or thoughts about situations, people, or self are based on feelings about it. When you have a bad feeling about something and you let this overule how you feel about it. You should recognise emotions and accept them, but try not to let them drive your behaviours. Lashing out when you are angry or shutting down when upset, for example, without considering all the facts of a situation can be damaging to relationships.

‘Should’ and ‘must’ statements

This relates to expectations that are imposed on ourselves or others. This can be problematic in relationships if you think someone should or must act in a certain way and you have unreasonable expectations. This can also happen for yourself, and I think this is a problem for many of us. Feeling like you have to do it all and have it all can make you feel unhappy. These may stem from gender expectations or stereotypes, cultural or family expectations. Social media can falsely reinforce these unhelpful ideas and thoughts. It is better to focus on your values and live in line with these.

Labelling

These involve labelling yourself, others, or situations with negative thoughts or ideas. This might be “I’m stupid,” “I’m ugly,” or “I’ll always be unlucky.” This might happen with friends if they do one thing that upsets you and you decide that they are “always a bitch” and you discredit everything positive from your friendship. These unhelpful stories and thoughts are damaging to your outlook, your self-esteem, and can impact relationships.

Personalisation and Blame

This involves taking the blame or responsibility for things that go wrong in their own lives or people around them. Taking ownership of things that are not your fault will make you feel extremely unhappy and worthless. You may also feel like you’re being excluded or targeted incorrectly. If you try to take responsibility for everyone around you, this may lead to, or be part of, people pleasing (related blog post). This leads to low self-esteem and makes you vulnerable to being a scapegoat or a victim of gaslighting.

Catastropising

This means you make things worse than they are. It’s the worst thing that could have ever happened to anyone ever. You consider the worst possible outcome, and then you begin to believe it to be true. For instance, if you had small health concerns and then you worry it could be terminal cancer before speaking to the doctor or having severe enough symptoms.

Black and white thinking

This distortion means you only see things in extremes. This is also called ‘all or nothing thinking’. Things are either good or bad, a failure or a success. This can mean opportunities for learning are dismissed, or you might be hard on yourself if you don’t completely succeed at something.

You can manage your unhelpful, negative, and/or intrusive thoughts using defusion and mindfulness. To learn more about defusion, check out my previous blog on defusion. See the video below for some more information about mindfulness, or check out not one, not two, but three posts on mindfulness I’ve already shared!

Charities

If you’re concerned about your own or someone else’s well-being, or you found topics in this blog upsetting, reach out to any one of the following charities.

People pleasing

I thought I would write a blog and me and my people pleasing ways. I have spent most of my life as a people pleaser, and it has caused me a lot of anxiety and unhappiness. I am just learning, through self-awareness and reflection, how to be less of a people pleaser. This is how people pleasing shows up for me. Maybe you recognise some of these behaviours or responses in yourself.

Apologising

Man, do I love apologising. I was definitely worse in the past. I basically punctuated my speech with “sorry.” I still haven’t managed to crack the habit, but might say, “Sorry to hear that,” instead (progress, not perfection!). This gets a gentler response from people. People are always surprised when I’m apologising for things and point out, “Why are you saying sorry?”. I remember once a friend was trying to sort out his sons pushchair and he couldn’t figure it out, maybe something was jammed or it wouldn’t open or closed. I wasn’t helping but just in the room, and he made a comment about it, and I replied “sorry”. He was like, “What?”, but I felt bad for not being able to help or not having the answer. People pleasing just makes you feel responsible for everyone around you.

The last word

As I started to reflect on my own people pleasing, this was a behaviour I noticed in myself, but it was never pointed out to me. If you text or WhatsApp me, I had to be the last one to message. Leaving someone on read, even when the conversation had naturally closed, just made me feel yuck inside. Even if it was just a smiley emoji, I had to be the last one to message. Ironically, I have a terrible text tone, apparently, so I probably should have been more aware of that! 😬

Compensating

I feel like I have to over compensate in so many ways. If I felt like I’ve done something wrong, I’d give a gift to make up for it. Or if I received a gift, I would be sure I reciprocated with the same or higher value. Christmas has become a minefield recently as I have become more aware of that desire to buy more because what I’ve got is not good enough. It’s not enough. I’m not able to attend a friends baby shower as I’m at a music festival, and that was already planned before the shower, so I thought of sending her flowers on the day. I’ve apologised to her face, we gave organised another date to do something small, and I’ve already got a gift, however, that bad, guilty feeling inside of me needs relieving. This does not always relate to gifts and material things, but also activities or going out of your way to be there and going above and beyond. Need a lift? I’ll be there. Need support? I’ll support you. I can be everything to anyone and everyone.

Indecision

This one, I hate. I personally don’t know if I can work on this one because I genuinely feel sometimes quite laid back about things, but sometimes it is to appease people. This has been brought up to me over and over again in my present relationship and in past relationships that I just don’t choose things! What take away we will have, what we will watch on TV, etc. I think I am quite good, I do plan a lot of stuff, and I do take charge in a lot of ways. But maybe on a people pleasing scale, there’s still room to improve. My journey is ongoing…

Dismissive

This is a big one and one of my most toxic traits that impact unhealthy communication in relationships. “I didn’t mean it.” If a partner or friend shares an issue with me or is upset with me, then I’m dismissive. I focus on the fact that I never intended that to happen and try furiously to get them to understand how I’m completely innocent. This stops me from hearing my partner. It stops me from taking accountability and stops us having healthy communication or a healthy relationship. I’ve had to work on this because it really was a knee-jerk reaction, and feeling someone is angry or upset with me is horrific for me. I’ve also noticed that I am overly sensitive to the experience of someone giving me corrective or negative feedback. My experience is that they are so angry at me, which is not always the case.

These traits are not healthy because they are driven by the need to squash that guilty feeling and the story of “I’m not good enough.” It also impacts the people around you and your relationships. I’m definitely working on getting the balance right because you do have to compromise and put aside your own needs for the people around you (if they mean something to you). It’s tricky to learn.

See this full content – Orignal content created by healing_notes_ on Instagram

Many of these behaviours and traits relate to my childhood. Understanding your own childhood can help you understand these behaviours, process them, and move forward. You should consider doing this with support, if possible.

What do you think your people pleasing behaviours are? Or did some of these resonate with you, and you’re discovering you may be a people pleaser? Share your thoughts below, or share via the Instagram page.

Damaging social media

Social media is used by so many of us on a regular basis. I use social media every day, communicate with friends in memes, and use it to find out about people and places. It’s great for connecting with people, especially when family or friends live far away.

Picture taken from https://flic.kr/p/aiGbWG

And although there is generally a much darker side to the internet, which won’t be discussed here, there is an immediate sinister effect.

In Behaviour Analysis, researchers have uncovered reinforcement schedules that have different impacts on behaviours. Reinforcement is similar to reward (would be a simplification), but it’s basically something that happens after you do something that makes that something more likely to happen again in the future.

The different schedules depend on when the reinforcement is delivered, and these can be changed by happening every time you do that behaviour, or completely randomly. It can also be based on time, which is a fixed amount of time or an unpredictable amount of time. The schedule I will be discussing is the unpredictable behaviour (variable ratio). In this schedule, you might have to do something once, or seven times, and then five times, and then ten times, then two times, to get the reinforcement. Due to the unpredictability of the reinforcement, this schedule produces the highest rates of responses (people behave more under these circumstances). This schedule is common in gambling and drug addiction. You’ve gotta be in it to win it. Each time you ‘behave’ (or make the response) could be the time the reinforcement occurs, so you keep behaving.

This is how social media works. Posting pictures and getting likes or finding an enjoyable meme, video, etc.. is reinforcement on a variable ratio. You have to keep checking and behaving to get reinforcement. This is why social media is compared to addiction – because it is. Between the reinforcement, you could be experiencing withdrawal symptoms. This can wreak havoc on your mental health.

Also, it is important to remember that social media prompts comparisons. Even if people talk about mental health and are good advocates, you may still think ‘well its easier for them because…’. It can be landmine on social media because your negative self-talk or inner dialogue will be there to help remind you of all those unhelpful stories. Constantly comparing you to the happy, shiny versions people you see on social media.

Exercising mindfulness is the best way to help you gain control over your mind and the negative self-talk. Also, using defusion to create space between you and your thoughts. Thoughts are not facts, so use techniques like “I’m having the thought that …”, or “Here’s the ‘I’m….. ‘ story again”. Depending on what you think, you can insert the words into those statements.

Here is a great YouTube video shared by Self-help Toons (not my content) who explains Fusion and Defusion really well.

How do you think social media is impacting your mental health? Are there periods of your day where you could be screen free? Do you find yourself mindlessly scrolling during your day?

Therapy journey

I thought I’d write a post about my therapy journey because I’ve done a lot of therapy. Maybe you’re wondering if you should, or maybe it didn’t work for you. So maybe I’ll share my story

Teenage years

When I was 16, I went to the GP because I had a low mood and was engaging in some self-destructive behaviours. I was referred for 6 weeks of counselling, which that counsellor referred me on to a mental health nurse for further counselling more long term. This was mostly talking about things. I didn’t find this helpful. I guess it was therapeutic in a way, but it didn’t move me forward, and I’ve carried a lot of my trauma and difficulties into adulthood. I think this was because there was no structure, no self-reflection, and maybe I just didn’t really understand what the goal was. I did eventually stop going as I began feeling better, but this was because circumstances at home changed, which made me a bit more settled. When I went to college at 17, I had a counsellor in the college, as my tutor thought it would be a good idea to attend. I found this counsellor was more beneficial. She challenged some thoughts and actually gave me more understanding about myself.

At Uni, I briefly had CBT because I was feeling a bit overwhelmed, but I only attended a few sessions, as I didn’t find it helpful.

Moody MySpace picture- circa 2004

Twenties-Thirties

When I was 26, I was diagnosed with stress and depression. I was in the worst place. I went back to conselling and received CBT. This counsellor was really good. I liked the structure and did all the homework I was given. I started to feel better after a year, so I discharged myself from the services. I thought I would be on a trajectory and continue to get better, but I didn’t. I just plateaued. I think the reason for this was that even though this approach was good, it didn’t look into my past. A lot of the issues I had were with historic traima and my childhood, and CBT looks mostly at the present. So I decided to get a private counsellor.

This counsellor was eclectic. We looked at a lot of different aspects of my life, and she used lots of techniques. I really found this the most beneficial. This was when I started reading self-help books. She suggested a few as we progressed in my therapy, and now I continue to use self-help books to support my self-awareness and development.

Graduation – 2010

Thirty-plus

I had considered becoming a counsellor myself, so I did the Level 2 and Level 3 course myself. I think this was also a great counselling experience because you need to really reflect on yourself. It really makes you hold up a mirror to yourself. I think this really helped me do the most self-development and build my most self-awareness. This experience benefitted me so much. I’ve stayed in touch with my private counsellor, although she is retiring now.

Even though it took me a long time to find the right counsellor and the right experience. I think each step helped build me on the right path. This is part of why I wanted to start the blog to help others because I’ve done the work already! And I didn’t get to where I am now without doing the work! It might feel like it’s not worth working at, or you’ll never get there, but it’s a lot of small steps to make this journey.

If you are considering therapy, I would recommend it. Be ready to be vulnerable and open to the feedback. The first person you meet might not be the right person for you or the right approach, but it might help you take those first steps towards a healthier you. Discuss with your consellor if you don’t think it’s working out. They are actually trained to handle difficult conversations and have quite thick skin! They more likely appreciate your honesty and want you to find the right person!

Funchal Marathon-2020

Are you at the beginning, middle, or end of your therapy journey? What advice would you give someone? If you’re in therapy, I wish you the very best ❤️