Defsuion is a technique used in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which aims to change your relationship with your thoughts. Under the premise, “Thoughts are not facts” and that you can interact differently with your thoughts. Your mind’s job is to analyse and critically evaluate threats, so intrusive, negative thoughts can not be eliminated from your mind. But if you are fused with your thoughts, you believe your thoughts, you get stuck in your head, you ruminate a lot, and you probably act or behave in a way that is unhelpful or makes you unhappy. An example would be missing events because you’re socially anxious. The thoughts drive your avoidance behaviour, but you’re unhappy because you want to be able to go to these events. Defusion helps you make space,l and not get entangled in your thoughts. I’m going to discuss some techniques you can try.
“Everyone hates me”
Any label thought that comes up that is personal to you, you can change to “I’m having the thought that I am stupid.” This changes it to a description, and you recognise it for what it is; a thought. Now you recognise it as a thought, you can treat it accordingly.
“I am stupid“
If a thought like this comes up, you can teframe it with “There’s that ‘everyone hates me story, again’.” This helps put some space between you and the thought.
“Bad things keep happening to me “
Reply, “Thank you for that thought, mind.” Remember, your mind is trying to protect me ( I discussed this in the protect me mind post). Trying to fight your thoughts can become problematic. In ACT they relate this to a Chinese finger trap, the more you fight, the tighter the trap. But if you relax, the trap relaxes too. Your mind and its thoughts behave in a similar way. Accept the thoughts, but let them float away.
You can also try
Singing a thought or saying it slowly or in a characters/funny voice.also, saying it repeatedly, will help it lose its power.
Thinking the opposite action. For instance this could be, “I can’t move my hand, I can’t move my hand..” etc, whilst moving your hand. This exercise shows that you can do things even thought the thought is there saying you cannot.
You can visualise thoughts on leaves on a stream or on balloons floating away. Intrusive thoughts will come and go. Let them come and release them without getting entangled in the unhelpful stories.
If the memory is visual, you can pretend to watch it on a television. You play around with it, fast forward, slow it down, rewind, make it black and white, or colour.
Don’t think about something for a minute. Like a big pink elephant or anything random, and then give yourself 1 minute to clear your mind without that coming to your mind. It is hard to keep something out of your mind. Watch the reel before for more on this information,
Defusion is a technique, like mindfulness, that requires practice and patience. Especially if you have struggled with intrusive thoughts, are highly anxious, then this will take time. Be patient and kind to yourself.
Charities
If you’re concerned about your own or someone else’s well-being, or you found topics in this blog upsetting, reach out to any one of the following charities.
In Cogntive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), the focus is on your thoughts and how this impacts behaviour. Our brains job is to process information, and in modern society, we are constantly processing information from the environment, especially due to our increased connectivity. Problems can arise when thoughts become overwhelming, and in CBT, these are categorised into 13 cognitive distortions.
This is when you may over generalise experiences from the past or present. This means you’ll worry that things will be repeated because it’s happened before. In relationships, you may become insecure because you think you will be abandoned or cheated on because you experienced this before. This can be damaging to present or future relationships. This might also relate to not being chosen for a role after an interview and thinking you’d never succeed in an interview, or not passing a test and thinking you’ll fail every test in the future. This thought will be very limiting.
Mental Filters
Trigger warning in this paragraph. Reference to suicidal thoughts. Please see charities at the bottom of this post if you need support with this topic.
This is similar to tunnel vision, in which the thoughts get over focused on one negative aspect. This might mean that because one thing goes wrong in your day, you decide the whole day is shit and you then feel miserable, like getting caught in bad traffic ruins the day completely. This could be problematic if you are dating, and you fixate on one difference or disagreement that occurs, for instance, their interests. Imagine they like a music genre you hate, but everything else was perfect, and you got on well. Unfortunately, because of this you decide not to have another date. This could also relate to how you view your life. When I had a low point recently, I had thoughts that life wasn’t worth living because only bad things keep happening. I’m glad I was able to refocus in more positives and get through that dark phase.
Discounting the positives
This is similar to mental filters. However, when positives happen, you find excuses or reasons to discredit it. This may be recognition praise, acknowledgement, or an achievement, and you think you’re undeserving, it was a coincidence, or you were just lucky. When this happened to me in the past, I got recognition for clients doing well when I had worked with them, but I would dismiss and say the team and the client did the work. I simply made the plan for them to follow. Also, if my boss ever gave me praise, I thought, “She’s only saying that because she knows you have depression and she’s trying to make you feel better.”
Jumping to conclusions
This can overlap with other distortions. Assuming something will happen in the future, someone is thinking something, or that they will act in a certain way. This can be problematic because you may be making yourself anxious about something that may or may not happen. This might impact your ability to cope with daily life, or your relationships.
Mind reading
This involves making assumptions about what someone else is thinking. This may be part of your gut instincts, but also, the mind may be biased towards protecting you from negative interactions. I am often surprised when I actually find out my mind reading was incorrect. Communicate in a healthy way if you need reassurance, and try to be present and not get intangled in negative, unhelpful thoughts. This can be damaging for relationships, as you might pull away and isolate yourself, or the person becomes annoyed with your constant assumptions or overreactions.
Predictive thinking
This is when you predict the future. I have in the past practised scripts with people so I could prepare what I would say. But you can not predict what someone will say. It actually made communicating less effective for me and made me increasingly more anxious, ruining the days or hours leading up to seeing the person. I work on staying present before and during the activity or conversation, and actively listen when I’m with people instead.
Magnification
This is similar to mental filters and discounting the positives, but you minimise positives in yourself whilst exaggerating these qualities in others. In reverse, negatives are emphasised when comparing yourself to others. This might happen with social media, where you see the best parts of someone’s life. You think they have everything, and you are a failure (related blog post). This can negatively impact your self-esteem.
Emotional reasoning
This means opinions or thoughts about situations, people, or self are based on feelings about it. When you have a bad feeling about something and you let this overule how you feel about it. You should recognise emotions and accept them, but try not to let them drive your behaviours. Lashing out when you are angry or shutting down when upset, for example, without considering all the facts of a situation can be damaging to relationships.
‘Should’ and ‘must’ statements
This relates to expectations that are imposed on ourselves or others. This can be problematic in relationships if you think someone should or must act in a certain way and you have unreasonable expectations. This can also happen for yourself, and I think this is a problem for many of us. Feeling like you have to do it all and have it all can make you feel unhappy. These may stem from gender expectations or stereotypes, cultural or family expectations. Social media can falsely reinforce these unhelpful ideas and thoughts. It is better to focus on your values and live in line with these.
Labelling
These involve labelling yourself, others, or situations with negative thoughts or ideas. This might be “I’m stupid,” “I’m ugly,” or “I’ll always be unlucky.” This might happen with friends if they do one thing that upsets you and you decide that they are “always a bitch” and you discredit everything positive from your friendship. These unhelpful stories and thoughts are damaging to your outlook, your self-esteem, and can impact relationships.
Personalisation and Blame
This involves taking the blame or responsibility for things that go wrong in their own lives or people around them. Taking ownership of things that are not your fault will make you feel extremely unhappy and worthless. You may also feel like you’re being excluded or targeted incorrectly. If you try to take responsibility for everyone around you, this may lead to, or be part of, people pleasing (related blog post). This leads to low self-esteem and makes you vulnerable to being a scapegoat or a victim of gaslighting.
Catastropising
This means you make things worse than they are. It’s the worst thing that could have ever happened to anyone ever. You consider the worst possible outcome, and then you begin to believe it to be true. For instance, if you had small health concerns and then you worry it could be terminal cancer before speaking to the doctor or having severe enough symptoms.
Black and white thinking
This distortion means you only see things in extremes. This is also called ‘all or nothing thinking’. Things are either good or bad, a failure or a success. This can mean opportunities for learning are dismissed, or you might be hard on yourself if you don’t completely succeed at something.
You can manage your unhelpful, negative, and/or intrusive thoughts using defusion and mindfulness. To learn more about defusion, check out my previous blog on defusion. See the video below for some more information about mindfulness, or check out not one, not two, but three posts on mindfulness I’ve already shared!
If you’re concerned about your own or someone else’s well-being, or you found topics in this blog upsetting, reach out to any one of the following charities.
I thought I would write a blog and me and my people pleasing ways. I have spent most of my life as a people pleaser, and it has caused me a lot of anxiety and unhappiness. I am just learning, through self-awareness and reflection, how to be less of a people pleaser. This is how people pleasing shows up for me. Maybe you recognise some of these behaviours or responses in yourself.
Apologising
Man, do I love apologising. I was definitely worse in the past. I basically punctuated my speech with “sorry.” I still haven’t managed to crack the habit, but might say, “Sorry to hear that,” instead (progress, not perfection!). This gets a gentler response from people. People are always surprised when I’m apologising for things and point out, “Why are you saying sorry?”. I remember once a friend was trying to sort out his sons pushchair and he couldn’t figure it out, maybe something was jammed or it wouldn’t open or closed. I wasn’t helping but just in the room, and he made a comment about it, and I replied “sorry”. He was like, “What?”, but I felt bad for not being able to help or not having the answer. People pleasing just makes you feel responsible for everyone around you.
The last word
As I started to reflect on my own people pleasing, this was a behaviour I noticed in myself, but it was never pointed out to me. If you text or WhatsApp me, I had to be the last one to message. Leaving someone on read, even when the conversation had naturally closed, just made me feel yuck inside. Even if it was just a smiley emoji, I had to be the last one to message. Ironically, I have a terrible text tone, apparently, so I probably should have been more aware of that! 😬
Compensating
I feel like I have to over compensate in so many ways. If I felt like I’ve done something wrong, I’d give a gift to make up for it. Or if I received a gift, I would be sure I reciprocated with the same or higher value. Christmas has become a minefield recently as I have become more aware of that desire to buy more because what I’ve got is not good enough. It’s not enough. I’m not able to attend a friends baby shower as I’m at a music festival, and that was already planned before the shower, so I thought of sending her flowers on the day. I’ve apologised to her face, we gave organised another date to do something small, and I’ve already got a gift, however, that bad, guilty feeling inside of me needs relieving. This does not always relate to gifts and material things, but also activities or going out of your way to be there and going above and beyond. Need a lift? I’ll be there. Need support? I’ll support you. I can be everything to anyone and everyone.
Indecision
This one, I hate. I personally don’t know if I can work on this one because I genuinely feel sometimes quite laid back about things, but sometimes it is to appease people. This has been brought up to me over and over again in my present relationship and in past relationships that I just don’t choose things! What take away we will have, what we will watch on TV, etc. I think I am quite good, I do plan a lot of stuff, and I do take charge in a lot of ways. But maybe on a people pleasing scale, there’s still room to improve. My journey is ongoing…
Dismissive
This is a big one and one of my most toxic traits that impact unhealthy communication in relationships. “I didn’t mean it.” If a partner or friend shares an issue with me or is upset with me, then I’m dismissive. I focus on the fact that I never intended that to happen and try furiously to get them to understand how I’m completely innocent. This stops me from hearing my partner. It stops me from taking accountability and stops us having healthy communication or a healthy relationship. I’ve had to work on this because it really was a knee-jerk reaction, and feeling someone is angry or upset with me is horrific for me. I’ve also noticed that I am overly sensitive to the experience of someone giving me corrective or negative feedback. My experience is that they are so angry at me, which is not always the case.
These traits are not healthy because they are driven by the need to squash that guilty feeling and the story of “I’m not good enough.” It also impacts the people around you and your relationships. I’m definitely working on getting the balance right because you do have to compromise and put aside your own needs for the people around you (if they mean something to you). It’s tricky to learn.
Many of these behaviours and traits relate to my childhood. Understanding your own childhood can help you understand these behaviours, process them, and move forward. You should consider doing this with support, if possible.
What do you think your people pleasing behaviours are? Or did some of these resonate with you, and you’re discovering you may be a people pleaser? Share your thoughts below, or share via the Instagram page.
I wanted to share my two most important lessons from when I began my counselling courses back in early 2020 (I am not a qualified cousellor. This refers to Level 2). I had already started working on myself and improving my mental health, but these lessons definitely were important for my self-awareness
Lesson 1: Active listening
The first and most important lesson I learned in my counselling course is how to actively listen. I am a people pleaser and very anxious, so I would have constantly been preparing myself for my turn to speak when someone else was talking (Ive usually scripted every conversation in my head before I arrive). It was actually counterintuitive – the more I worried, the less I actually listened and was present. Placing value on this and practising this skill helped me to start slowing down my thoughts and gaining more control of my mind. This helped me be focused and present so I could better connect with people. When you are actively listening, you really hear what is being said and connect better with the words and the story. And also with the person sharing it. Slowing down has also helped me not to respond based on emotion, and overall improved my communication in all my relationships.
Lesson 2: Empathy is not sympathy
In the counselling field, empathy is described differently than what I am accustomed to in the general population. Empathy is the understanding that you do not and never will understand someone’s perspective. You have your own frame of reference that is unique, and you can not use this to understand another person. Due to this, you experience empathy by showing curiosity to hear that person and giving them space to share their story. Coming from a place of not knowing means the person will feel heard and more understood rather than dismissed. On the flip side, this also reinforces further that your experience is valid. If two people share the same experience and one found it traumatic and the other appears to be fine, then they are both valid. Do not diminish your own or other people’s experiences.
Although these two lessons relate mostly to other people, they both aim to build your own self-awareness and how you connect with people. These two lessons can help you reflect on how you connect with people. Ultimately, this could support you with your mental health. Which of these lessons made you think?
Imagine a world without toxic love. What would our creative landscape look like without toxic love? I dunno if Lewis Capaldi, Whitney Houston, and Adele (to name a few) would be as successful as they have been if they wrote songs about relationships filled with good communication, healthy boundaries that are consistent and long-lasting, or ended amicably. What would our soaps, dramas, and rom-coms be like? My grandad watches some old films, which make me uncomfortable. Men physically over power women, who struggle away from them, saying “no” to their advances and then succumb to their power and then kiss them. 😬🤢 Nowadays, heated arguments and passionate sex are common features of romantic storylines. Will they? Won’t they? They shouldn’t – walk away!
The song ‘Pscyho’ by Ann-Marie springs to mind, too. How would this song have been so popular if it was not so goddamn relatable to women! We know exactly what she’s singing about because we have either acted out on our anxiety and insecurities and accused guys/partners of not being fully commited, which has either driven them too, or they actually were cheating. And despite the fact that we didn’t set clear, consistent boundaries and continued to date that guy, we are not the problem. I know I’ve been there, and I’m here to tell you – we are as much to blame as our counterparts. Let’s take some accountability! (Excuse the overgeneralisation to women, it’s just in line with the song that I’ve used these gender roles).
There are lyrics from a Coldplay lyrics, “No one ever said it would be easy.” I have thought about this so much over the years, and it validated the difficulties I was having in my own romantic relationships. Relationships are hard, so all this conflict and yucky feelings, insecurities, and uncertainty are part and parcel. WRONG! Yes, relationships are hard. They still are hard for me. It’s hard to be vulnerable, I’m still learning to communicate effectively and manage my intrusive thoughts that stem from the “I’m not good enough” story. Because if I’m not good enough, why would anyone be happy to date me and not have a wandering eye? 🤨 But I want a healthy relationship in which my and my partners’ needs are met, so I keep showing up and doing the hard work. I don’t react to intrusive thoughts and emotions. I try to get uncomfortable and vulnerable. I work on communicating calmly and effectively. There will be conflict, but the resolution should be easy if these things are in place. Previously, in my toxic relationships, we had to completely fall apart to be able to come back together . No, thank you. I’m not here for it anymore.
Right, so let’s change the tone and seriously consider what the next generations would look like if all children have good, healthy role models that behave in a non-toxic manner. Parents who have conflict and resolve it with healthy communication and empathy. What kind of adults would they grow up to be? What would our community feel like in the future? How would your own children (real or hypothetical) benefit if you start doing the work today? (Just to confirm, that doesn’t necessarily mean parents that stay together).
So, what can we do to progress towards healthier relationships? Reflect and grow as individuals. Learn about your attachment styles (see my blog about attachment styles). Learn about your values and become self-aware. Having enough self-awareness to stop yourself and reflect, “I might be lashing out about this, completely irrelevant or insignificant thing because I have not communicated my needs, or I’m having an abandonment crisis and I really just need reassurance”. Learn to communicate your needs effectively (calmly, clearly, directly – don’t expect your partner to know, “well, you should know”, “I shouldn’t have to tell you everytime” – um, yeah you do), and set healthy boundaries. Learn to identify green and red flags (check out my advice on the biggest dating red flag).
If you want to start learning more about your own attachments, I recommend reading ‘Attached’ by Amir Levine, M.D., and Rachel S. F. Hellar, MA. I love this book!
Also, you might want to listen to of Mark Manson’s podcasts. He had a lot of great episode with no non-sense advice and insight for relationships. Check him out on Spotify. He also has a course about Healthy Relationship.
Alternatively/additionally, check out this video about relationship advice from Mark Manson (feat. His wife)
Also, remember that these things take time. You will not change over night, it takes commitment and reflection to grow and change. If you are in a relationship, hopefully you have a partner who is doing the work on themselves too.
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In modern life, we are overwhlemed with information. News that is good and bad, coming constantly throughout the day. Our minds are analytical, and their atrength is to find problems and problem solve – its our evolutional advantage. Unfortunately, our minds are often in the driving seat, free to roam in any direction they wish.
Imagine your arm behaving the way your mind behaves when mental health is bad. Your arm does not respond when you need to reach for something but spasms at times when you are trying to relax. You would immediately go to the doctors and/or for physio. You would probably do exercises to enable you to regain control of your arm. Similar to the hyperthetical example of your arm, we have no control of what our mind does and when it does or does not respond. Mindfulness is the exercise you can use and practice to strengthen your mind and help you better control how and when it’s active.
If you are often hit with thoughts about an embarrassing incident from the past? Or worries about the future when you are at an event or activity that you want to enjoy? Feeling hopeless due to rumination? Or constantly dreaming about the perfect future, which makes you feel hopeless and bored with the present? Mindfulness is the exercise to regain control.
The most important aspect of practising mindfulness is that your mind is clear and you are focused on the activity and the environment. Think about things you can see (movements, colours, etc), things you can smell, things you can hear, or things you can feel or touch. If you practice mindful eating, you can also focus on textures or flavours. You can also bring your attention to your breath if this helps, but this can be difficult for some people. If a thought pops into your head, then kindly return your focus to the present moment. This is important. I used to be frustrated and in my head. “AH! Why are you thinking about that again?” But you should be kind to yourself. It takes repeated practice, and it can take time to fluent. We won’t become Buddhist monks overnight.
Short video about mindful eating.
Most activities can be mindful activities and help you to have some calm on your thoughts. If you want to just sit and be mindful, you can use visualisation. You can image thoughts floating on leaves on a stream or away on balloons. There are also plenty of apps that offer guided meditation. You could also sit and feel the sensations in your body, feel how your body sits in the chair, how parts of your body that feel warm or cold. The rise and fall of your breath. This can be difficult if you have PTSD or trauma memories relating to your body, so approach this with caution and speak to a professional about mindfulness before you begin these types of activities.
You can also go for mindful walks, or jigging or running can be mindful. Remember, the key is to be present and not let your mind continually wander throughout the activity. In the beginning, it will wander more often, but as you practice more and more, you’ll find you spend more time present. You may begin to notice things you hadn’t before, for instance, the birds singing, the beautiful flowers in your neighbours front garden, the smile from a stranger, etc. Yoga is also a great mindful activity.
You can also do something creative like knitting, crochet, painting, playing music (if you have an instrument). You could do housework or gardening as a mindful activity. Reading is also one of my favourite mindful activities, as I can’t read and ruminate at the same time, and when I try, I realise I’ve read a while paragraph and understood none of it so have to go back and refocus myself.
I hope you will find this post helpful and are able to give some of these activities a go. Remember to set manageable goals and targets, so start with shorter timings so you are successful. I have also fiscussed mindfulness in previous blog posts, “Mindful, not mind” full and, “Protect me mind.” Follow my Instagram page for more videos and information about mindfulness.
Below, I’ve shared some podcast episodes from Savvy Psychologist for more information about mindfulness.
Social media is used by so many of us on a regular basis. I use social media every day, communicate with friends in memes, and use it to find out about people and places. It’s great for connecting with people, especially when family or friends live far away.
And although there is generally a much darker side to the internet, which won’t be discussed here, there is an immediate sinister effect.
In Behaviour Analysis, researchers have uncovered reinforcement schedules that have different impacts on behaviours. Reinforcement is similar to reward (would be a simplification), but it’s basically something that happens after you do something that makes that something more likely to happen again in the future.
The different schedules depend on when the reinforcement is delivered, and these can be changed by happening every time you do that behaviour, or completely randomly. It can also be based on time, which is a fixed amount of time or an unpredictable amount of time. The schedule I will be discussing is the unpredictable behaviour (variable ratio). In this schedule, you might have to do something once, or seven times, and then five times, and then ten times, then two times, to get the reinforcement. Due to the unpredictability of the reinforcement, this schedule produces the highest rates of responses (people behave more under these circumstances). This schedule is common in gambling and drug addiction. You’ve gotta be in it to win it. Each time you ‘behave’ (or make the response) could be the time the reinforcement occurs, so you keep behaving.
This is how social media works. Posting pictures and getting likes or finding an enjoyable meme, video, etc.. is reinforcement on a variable ratio. You have to keep checking and behaving to get reinforcement. This is why social media is compared to addiction – because it is. Between the reinforcement, you could be experiencing withdrawal symptoms. This can wreak havoc on your mental health.
Also, it is important to remember that social media prompts comparisons. Even if people talk about mental health and are good advocates, you may still think ‘well its easier for them because…’. It can be landmine on social media because your negative self-talk or inner dialogue will be there to help remind you of all those unhelpful stories. Constantly comparing you to the happy, shiny versions people you see on social media.
Exercising mindfulness is the best way to help you gain control over your mind and the negative self-talk. Also, using defusion to create space between you and your thoughts. Thoughts are not facts, so use techniques like “I’m having the thought that …”, or “Here’s the ‘I’m….. ‘ story again”. Depending on what you think, you can insert the words into those statements.
Here is a great YouTube video shared by Self-help Toons (not my content) who explains Fusion and Defusion really well.
How do you think social media is impacting your mental health? Are there periods of your day where you could be screen free? Do you find yourself mindlessly scrolling during your day?
I thought I’d write a post about my therapy journey because I’ve done a lot of therapy. Maybe you’re wondering if you should, or maybe it didn’t work for you. So maybe I’ll share my story
Teenage years
When I was 16, I went to the GP because I had a low mood and was engaging in some self-destructive behaviours. I was referred for 6 weeks of counselling, which that counsellor referred me on to a mental health nurse for further counselling more long term. This was mostly talking about things. I didn’t find this helpful. I guess it was therapeutic in a way, but it didn’t move me forward, and I’ve carried a lot of my trauma and difficulties into adulthood. I think this was because there was no structure, no self-reflection, and maybe I just didn’t really understand what the goal was. I did eventually stop going as I began feeling better, but this was because circumstances at home changed, which made me a bit more settled. When I went to college at 17, I had a counsellor in the college, as my tutor thought it would be a good idea to attend. I found this counsellor was more beneficial. She challenged some thoughts and actually gave me more understanding about myself.
At Uni, I briefly had CBT because I was feeling a bit overwhelmed, but I only attended a few sessions, as I didn’t find it helpful.
Moody MySpace picture- circa 2004
Twenties-Thirties
When I was 26, I was diagnosed with stress and depression. I was in the worst place. I went back to conselling and received CBT. This counsellor was really good. I liked the structure and did all the homework I was given. I started to feel better after a year, so I discharged myself from the services. I thought I would be on a trajectory and continue to get better, but I didn’t. I just plateaued. I think the reason for this was that even though this approach was good, it didn’t look into my past. A lot of the issues I had were with historic traima and my childhood, and CBT looks mostly at the present. So I decided to get a private counsellor.
This counsellor was eclectic. We looked at a lot of different aspects of my life, and she used lots of techniques. I really found this the most beneficial. This was when I started reading self-help books. She suggested a few as we progressed in my therapy, and now I continue to use self-help books to support my self-awareness and development.
Graduation – 2010
Thirty-plus
I had considered becoming a counsellor myself, so I did the Level 2 and Level 3 course myself. I think this was also a great counselling experience because you need to really reflect on yourself. It really makes you hold up a mirror to yourself. I think this really helped me do the most self-development and build my most self-awareness. This experience benefitted me so much. I’ve stayed in touch with my private counsellor, although she is retiring now.
Even though it took me a long time to find the right counsellor and the right experience. I think each step helped build me on the right path. This is part of why I wanted to start the blog to help others because I’ve done the work already! And I didn’t get to where I am now without doing the work! It might feel like it’s not worth working at, or you’ll never get there, but it’s a lot of small steps to make this journey.
If you are considering therapy, I would recommend it. Be ready to be vulnerable and open to the feedback. The first person you meet might not be the right person for you or the right approach, but it might help you take those first steps towards a healthier you. Discuss with your consellor if you don’t think it’s working out. They are actually trained to handle difficult conversations and have quite thick skin! They more likely appreciate your honesty and want you to find the right person!
Funchal Marathon-2020
Are you at the beginning, middle, or end of your therapy journey? What advice would you give someone? If you’re in therapy, I wish you the very best ❤️
Positive affirmations are common practice these days. You can find them all over social media. Although I use them and share them myself, I think this is something you should approach with caution.
Having a positive mindset all day every day is not achievable. Trying to achieve this will leave you feeling like you are falling short, especially if you are really struggling with your mental health.
I recently shared an image of a Chinese finger trap and related this to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). The idea behind this is that when you try not to think about a certain thing or think a certain way, the more you pull away, the tighter its grip is. Berating yourself for having a negative thought and telling yourself you must be positive will set you up to feel disappointed.
I recently read in a life coaching book that people should just take their negative thought and put it in reverse. So if you think ‘I’m not attractive’, just think ‘I am attractive’ or if you think ‘I’m not smart’, just think ‘I am smart’. I don’t think this is effective because you will be constantly reminding yourself, by association, of the negative thought.
Life has a wide range of emotions, joy, grief, excitement, anxiousness, content, relaxed, anger, etc.. Unfortunately, you will always have negative thoughts, so it is better to work on acceptance of these. You can do this with some defusion techniques and with mindfulness (check out my other blog posts for more information on this – Defusion with ACT).
If you are going to use positive affirmations, use ones that you believe, even on your toughest days. You can write a list of things you like about yourself, or find some ideas online, and pick ones you like for yourself.
This is one of my personal favourites. Reminding myself that I’ve survived so much already, helps me find the strength to tackle another tough day.
Do you use positive affirmations? Do you find them helpful? Which ones do you like the best?
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) , the hexaflex visually shows the six key areas of the approach.
One point on the hexaflex highlights defusion /fusion. Fusion is described as being fused with negative thoughts or unhelpful stories. This means you spend a lot of time having these thoughts and believe them to be true. You spend a lot of time ruminating and feeling like shit basically.
Being fused is a challenge for people, as you can feel very overwhelmed and helpless. When I was fused with my negative thoughts and stories, I would’ve generally thought, ‘life was hopeless. Things would never change. Bad things would continue to happen to me over and over again.’
Being fused with thoughts like this can be a symptom of depression or anxiety. Generally, anyone can struggle with these intrusive thoughts and find it difficult not to get entangled in these stories or intrusive thoughts. It can cause a lot of stress and anxiety. Take a look at this video from Russ Harris for a metaphor of what it’s like living with these thoughts.
As it says in the video, the thoughts cannot physically hurt you, but their power is in intimidation. Defusion is a process of distancing yourself from these thoughts and stories; untangling yourself. This can be done through a variety of processes.
The one that works best for me is labelling the thought as a thought. So if I have the thought ‘I’m not good enough’, I then think after ‘I’m having the thought that I’m not good enough’. Also, sometimes I will say thank you for the thought to my mind. I discussed this in my post, ‘Protect me, mind’. This helps put the thought into perspective, as a thought and nothing more.
Another process can be singing or saying the thought in funny voices. This can change how you interact with the thought. You could try singing it to the tune of happy birthday or say it in the voice of a cartoon character.
You can also use visualisation. You may want to do this with memories or intrusive thoughts that come up as images. You may imagine them on an old TV, in black and white, you may change the speed, or rewind it or play it forward. Another way to use visualisation is to imagine the thoughts on leaves on a stream or bubbles or balloons floating away.
The key is to have a separate perspective of the thoughts; you are observing them rather than living in them. Often, the thoughts aren’t true, and it does not serve you to spend so much time and energy living in that thought, memory, or feeling.
Practising mindfulness can help practice this skill, and there are many great resources for mindfulness. Try Calm or Headspace apps for some guided meditation and mindfulness activities.
Do you spend a lot of time ruminating? Are you realising that these intrusive and negative thoughts do not serve you? Have you given some of these approaches a go? This is a skill you have to practice and is not a quick fix. You have to become more and more fluent with this so that it becomes more natural for you. Remember, 1) progress is not linear, so keep going with it, and 2) that you can not cure yourself if intrusive negative thoughts. Part of the human experience is having these thoughts, and trying to fight it will cause you more anguish. Make room for these thoughts and be curious and kind when they show up.
Pursuit of a Healthier Mind 