Dating lists

I’m just watching the new Married at First Sight Austalia (March 2023) and I wanted to share some thoughts on dating lists.

Firstly I want to say – yes I love reality dating shows! As I’ve worked on myself, I have found it useful tool for identifying red flags. Unfortunately, some of these shows are becoming more and more difficult to watch, due to the toxic behaviours from some of the people on the show. Initially I just loved the drama, but now I see it through a very different lense.

So back to the matter at hand. Lists! The guy I’m referring to, has a long ‘ick list’, so a many number of things are straight nos from him. Leaving him a very small pond, or puddle, to fish in.

When I started dating, after my long term toxic relationship broke down, I initially went for a guy who was just the opposite of my ex. Then after this short relationship ended, I started to date with a list. Good job/well earning, nice car, good looking, tall. I then continued to fall into the same patterns of behaviours and having no success in my relationships.

Over the years, my list has definitely changed. My list would now be honest, independence, emotionally intelligent and communicative. I am currently in a relationship, and I think he ticks these boxes quite well.

Paul Carrick Brunson discusses this in his book ‘It’s Complicated’ and says “A man or woman obsessed with a checklist does him- or herself in by excluding their true personality and needs… ditch the checklist and find out what really matters to you” (page 67)

Lists of values are more effective for more satisfied dating and relationships.

• Career
• Health
• Family
• Friends
• Community
• Dating / relationships
• Hobbies / recreation
• Personal development
• Spirituality / religion

If career is important to you, you may want someone who shares this value in being ambitious. People can become frustrated if they are ambitious and career driven, to have a partner who is very laid back in this area. For some people, this can be complimentary in a relationships and bring balance. You may want someone who has strong spiritual or religious grounding. They may not share your religion, but having strong faith may be important to you. Or maybe you need a partner who is very active and priorities their health. And so on…

Reflecting on your own values and the values and qualities that are important in a relationship for you, may help end some of the superficial dating and toxic cycles if you fall victim to those. Also, this is a good question to ask on a first date. This will help you figure out if your partner is thinking about relationships in a superficial way, or is focused on finding someone with mutual values.

I wonder how things will work out for this guy with the ick list…. or if there will be lots of red flags being waved as the show progresses… 🚩🚩

What are your values? Or what are your initial indications of a red flags when dating? This would be one of mine.

References

Carrick Brunson, P. (2012). It’s complicated (but it doesn’t have to be). Penguin Group Inc, New York